Lestrade Sitting On A Chair
by Irene Moriarty
Summary: Title has nothing to do with story. But I like it. Anyway, Jim Moriarty is bored. Hilarity and randomness ensues. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW :D Rated T because I'm paranoid. Oh, and I curse.  ONCE!


**PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING CRAP WHICH I CALL A 'STORY':**

**SPOILER: Woody dies and Buzz becomes a cereal killer. (Yes, CEREAL.)**

Jim Moriarty was bored. Which is never a good thing. (Run while you can.)

He was impatiently tapping his fingers on his desk, grumbling incoherently. Finally, Sebastian had enough.

"I have had enough!" Sebastian then declared, knocking Jim out of his reverie and also out of his chair.

"Of?" Jim asked/puffed.

"You! You're obviously bored so **GO DO SOMETHING**!"

Jim contemplated. Sebastian grew impatient after ten minutes.

"How about... You kidnap that Dr Watson guy?" Sebastian proposed. (Marriage. HA!) Mess with Sheldon or whatever his name is..."

"Ah-ha!" Jim exclaimed, springing up and pointing a finger in the air triumph...ally. "I could mess with Sherlock by kidnapping that Watson fellow! Oh, I am brilliant!" He rubbed his hands together all evil-like.

Sebastian deadpanned. "A bloody genius. God knows where you got that idea."

Jim smiled proudly. "It just sort of... comes to me."

Sebastian blinked.

"Prepare the Jim-mobile!"

/THEME MUSIC!/ [Like the theme music from Hawaii Five-O. God, that's a catchy theme. DA DA DA DA DA DAAAA DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAA!

A few... minutes... later...

Jim knocked on the door of 221B Baker Street.

"This is stupid," Sebastian mumbled.

"Shut up and let me do what I want!" Jim threw a tantrum. See, people normally just 'show a bit' of a tantrum. Just, displaying it slightly with a "Look at my tantrum!" but no. On this day, Jim Moriarty THREW a tantrum. He got out his tantrum and threw it across the room with all his might! People panicked! Running through the streets with their arms above their head, because Jim Moriarty THREW a tantrum!

After everyone had gone for therapy, the police had cleared the street and Jim regained his composure, he and Sebastian tried again. Jim knocked.

"I mean, what kind of criminal mastermind _knocks_?"

Sebastian was poking the lion at this stage.

The lion squirmed and bit back. "One that was raised right, now shut up."

Jim (Simba) knocked again whilst Sebastian rolled the mother of all eye rolls.

John Watson opened the door, and did not expect what he saw. Feeling very caught off guard and over all very 'panic-y', and needing a new pair of pants, he immediately shut the door on Jim Moriarty and Sebastian Moran.

"Go away!" John shouted through the door. John did not shout 'fuck off you insane arses!' because that would have been very rude.

"Oh, don't be a spoilsport!" Jim said in a sing-song, gay-like voice. [See: The Great Game / Andrew Scott / Insane Irish Speech Pattern / It's Kinda Hot, Though.] "Come out and plaaaAAaaaAYYyyy...!"

John locked the door for emphasis.

"Who's idea was this again?" Jim asked Sebastian.

"Yours."

"... Right. I should be punished."

Authors note: I'm writing all this on a toilet so I can only apologise if this is horrifically CRAP. #BadPun

Not as bad as this: Now! I have got a picture of what I want to show you but for the life of me I am too lazy to put it on here: SO! Let me explain! Sherlock has a moustache drawn on. (A big, bushy one.) John has a toupee drawn on. (A ginger one.) And they are sitting in a restaurant. "I moustache you," is written under Sherlock. "Toupee the bill," is written under John. YOU GEDDIT? LOLZ! ... Have I mede myself clear? No? Well, GOOGLE IT YOU LAZY PIECE OF –

"Sherlock's not here so you can shove off!" John shouted.

"But I'm not LOOKING for Sherlock!"

"...Mrs Hudson?"

"What? No!"

"...Molly?"

"OH, GOD NO! NEVER AGAIN!" Jim twitched.

Sebastian had a quick flashback of Molly Hooper in leather pants, dancing to Tom Jones. (That never really happened. Thank God.)

"Who then?"

"You, you bloody idiot!" Sebastian finally shouted.

'This is very not good,' John thought.

John's 'suspicions' were justified when his front door got blasted off its hinges.

Before this event occurred, John had been reading a book entitled 'Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories' die to its weirdly accurate similarities with his life. But, as it was written one hundred and fifty years before now, time travel was the only explanation. Time travelling bastard. (Yes, Doctor, I'm looking at _YOU_.)

As Jim and Sebastian stormed in, followed by a few (A LOT OF) henchman, he couldn't help but wonder where it all went wrong. I mean, he was still in his pyjamas! 'Was this a Thursday?' he thought. 'I never could get the hang on Thursdays.'

Here's hoping that the Hitchhikers Guide reference was acknowledged.

"Has that car got flames on it?" John asked, eyeing Jim's 'Jim-mobile' - or 'Moriarty Merc!' as he sometimes called it as he was masturbating in the back - after being dragged out of the flat, threatening to impale/give them all concussions with his hard-cover copy of 'Sherlock Holmes'. Jim then examined this book, read 'The Final Problem' (AT LIGHTNING SPEEDS!) and threw one of his henchman with the book out of frustration. "Is that the part where you die?" John asked smugly. ANYWAY!

OMG! Billy Burke is on '24'! You know, the TV show? With Jack Bauer? ... Anyone reading this who have NOT watched '24', WATCH IT NOW YOU UNEDUCATED, UNCULTURED HOBO! ... No, not you. _YOU._

BACK TO THE PRESENT TIME:

Jim confirmed John's question regarding the flames on his car by shifting uncomfortably and finding great interest in looking at his feet.

"Also flame throwers and a -

OMG BILLY BURKE IS EVIL!

- penguin."

John was then pushed into the 'Jim-mobile'/'Moriarty Merc!' and then he, Seb and Jim had a very awkward conversation regarding the 'unknown white liquid-like subtance' on the backseats of the 'Jim-mobile'. Jim denied all accusations. Sebastian knew he was LYIN'!

**WATCH '24' AND REVIEW!**


End file.
